And Not But: Celebrating Contradiction in Relationship

Though we may sometimes seek to banish it for the sake of simplicity and clarity, contradiction is at the heart of relationships. In order to succeed we must embrace it. It is for this reason that we should replace “but” with “and” in our intimate relationships. “I love her, but I also resent her” could become “I love her, and I also resent her.” Something as simple as this can rewire the way we think about these opposing emotions existing at the same time in our relationships. Allowing these contradictions to exists simultaneously gives us the ability to evaluate whether or not our needs are really  being met. 

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Shea Kamlet, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist, Marriage Counselor
6087 S. Quebec Street Suite 103
Centennial , CO , 80112
(303) 355-5602

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